A类大作文 (标记★为重点预习)

1. 教育类

2 科技类

3 社会类

4 工作类

5 国际类

6 环境类

7 旅游类

8 其他话题

考生习作批改展示--主体段落（持续更新中！）

题目：In some countries, many young people choose to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

The main reason why it is not necessary for students to take their gap year is that we cannot promise that students will actually make full use of the time because of lack of dedication(表意不清, 可改为：Although there exist certain advantages of a gap year, it does not mean everyone should take the break since some students might lack self-regulation). Not everyone is full of self-motivation let alone the students who had just suffered from senior high(suffer from后面一般加疾病或灾难等不好的事物，此处应改为suffered from the intense pressure of college entrance exam--高考压力), where（这里从句缺宾语，应改为which) many students wants(主谓单复数不一致，改为want) to escape from, so I believe（在主体段的论证中减少“我认为”，多使用逻辑论证） most of them will take the gap year mainly for relaxation and leisure（本段第二句可改为：After passing the college entrance examination, many of these adolescents might desire more for relaxation and leisure instead of hard work or travelling to learn. As a result, they might fail to make the full use of the gap year. ) .Even if they really go for work or travel or anything else, but it still remains on the surface(表意不清）, which is not indeed helpful（根据句意可改为it is difficult to ensure that they do gain more knowledge or skills from these experience. ). Besides(这个衔接词的用法是对上一句进一步说明，这里是一个新的论点，可使用Moreover/Additionally), those students who take the gap year will not have a tense connection of knowledge between middle school and university(表意不清，改为might need more time to adapt to the study life in university) compared with the other students who do not(修改后需补充since they have spent a whole year without any homework or lectures), so the grades in college cannot be guaranteed too(改为so their grades in college might be negatively affected, too).

题目：Surveys show that people are living longer in many countries, which has many implications for aging individuals and for society as a whole. What are the possible effects of longer living for individuals and society?

Increased life expectancy puts implications（表达重复，搭配不当，改为has enormous influence) on people’s private life and careers from the young to the eldly（词形有误，改为elderly). The senior employees will postpone their retirement as they lead a healthier and longer life, thereby reducing the employment and promotion possibilities of younger generations. Besides the pressure from career, another challenge faced by young people would (缺谓语，补充be) the situation that their old parents require nursing service, by crowding out（表达不当，改为which would crowd out, by+ing表示通过...的方式，这里衔接后果，所以使用定从更合适) their spare time and money. Both the pressure from career and life could burden young generations（重复，改为the young) significantly although seniors deserve much caring and support from home to the office(冗余，删去）.

From a macro view（常用From a macro perspective/ From a macro point of view), the whole society would face enormous financial burden of transferring into(语法选词问题，改为if transformed to) an aging society. The enhancement and improvement（语义重复，删去） of social welfare system are perceived（选词，改为would be demanded) inevitably to guarantee the olds’(改为the older people’s) healthcare and medical support（语义重复，删去）, despite the fact of（删去） tremendous cost. Otherwise, the stability of society would be threatened if there are uncared-for seniors（语法问题, 改为the well-being of seniors is neglected)(这个点的拓展需要进一步组织：对老年人的福利与社会稳定之间的关系，目前的组织为：这是有必要的，否则社会稳定会受到威胁。不能论证出老年人福利与社会稳定的联系。可参考：老人们容易得病，需要花费很多钱，这对家庭会造成负担。所以福利完善很重要，这才不会让老人被家人视为麻烦或者出现遗弃老人的问题。这样一来，维护福利和医疗就会对政府造成财政负担。--As people get older, they are likely to suffer from illness and being hospitalized requires a fortune, often beyond the capacity of an average family. This makes a well-developed social welfare system important so that the diseased seniors would not be deemed as troubles and neglected by their families. However, with the increasing number of the elderly, the amount of financial support that government need to provide would rise, including the cost for health care and retirement pension). The governments will have to impose more taxes and surcharges to maintenance(这是名词，选词不当） the funding sources（改为maintain their funding).（可升级为：As a result, the government has to impose more taxes and surcharges and invest more into these fields, which would increase the financial burden to the society while reducing budgets in other equally important issues. ）

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